I knew I was grasping at strings beyond frayed. I watched myself become desperate and it hurt.
I did the only thing that made sense, I forced myself to let it all go.
I made this series during a particularly difficult time. I was in-between jobs, more stressed and overworked than I’d ever been, self-medicating with a lot of weed, about to be kicked out of America for not having the right paperwork, NY the city of my dreams, just overall fucking depressed. I knew the universe was pushing me to leave for significant reasons, but my desire to stay, in my apartment, to not admit defeat, was greater than every reason to go back to Canada.
Untitled_ is an interactive digital experience. I used my Ebay page as a virtual gallery to sell 60 lots of clothing and accessories (approx 110 items total). This online garage sale was a sacrifice to the internet gods – 10 years of fashion in exchange for mental clarity and a bountiful next decade. The duration of the auction signified the opening and closing of the exhibition.
This piece taught me a lesson two-fold. I realized not only was my attachment to the past keeping me from my immediate future, but I had been inhibiting myself with insecurities and self-hate for far too long. Once upon a time, I like many women, was in a mentally abusive relationship. It took me a couple years to even want to take a selfie because I was truly convinced I was the ugliest person, outside and in. I doubted myself to the core.
Untitled_ is about stripping off and away negativity. Every layer of bullshit that coats my mind. Fuck mental clutter. For this project, I used my iPhone and VSCO app as opposed to my 35mm camera. It felt the more honest. These confidant photos are also a statement to my younger self. In life, we are defined by what we learn and who we teach. You cannot make money without knowing how. Materialistic goods, clothes, are all byproducts. Excess. But as the years go by, I tend to fall into the same cycle. I become stuck under a pile of stuff and it becomes hard to move on..
I admit, it was extremely difficult to let some of these pieces go. So much so, that I almost chickened out of doing the exhibit many times.
I sat there on the floor, surrounded by all my shit, staring at the browser. I smoked an extra fat one, praying for strength. And in a candid moment of confidence, I locked it in with God. I promised to get rid of it all.
The craziest part is, I got a phone call later that day that changed my life. Someone who read the article and reached out on a vibe. The only publication that shared my flyer. I was suddenly overflowing with enough energy to get me through the next ten years.
In the end, I only had one customer on ebay. She actually reached out after the auction had expired, but her message plucked my heart strings with validation. I sold everything in the following few weeks and donated another 8 garbage bags to a women's shelter in Brooklyn. I said a little goodbye prayer in silence, soaked in rain. It was pouring that day, like a damn movie. But I haven't looked back since. This letting go stuff is real, I swear.